IT’S A WOOT OFF!!!

I love WOOT – they crack me up all the time. There’s a WOOT OFF happening right now and they let me know about it with a fake internal email. It made me laugh so hard I had to share:

WOOT, INC. INTERNAL EMAIL
STAFF EYES ONLY

Attention Woot employees -

We are now entering the final phase of preparations for the Woot-Off planned for midnight tonight. This is when we depart from our usual deal-a-day model and sell one product after another, offering a new deal as soon as the previous one sells out. For some reason, Woot members like oilmanseo continue to have high expectations for this event. We must make every effort to ensure that they feel disappointed and betrayed.

All workers should be physically and mentally straining to make this Woot-Off a success, like every muscle in a wolf’s body strains to capture and devour its prey. We expect total compliance with the following objectives:

  • Make sure the stables are thoroughly cleaned and the horses properly groomed and shod. As you know, Commander Rutledge prefers to lead us on horseback during Woot-Offs. Charge!
  • Customer Service department: all vacation requests for this week and next are approved. If you have not filed a vacation request, take one anyway.
  • The little green pills in the kitchen are there to keep you alert and working. Take as many as you need. Officially, Woot does not believe in the concept of “overdose”.
  • Take at least one of our servers offline, just for laughs.
  • Go to the landfill and dig up some more Sansa media players. If you see any Digipro Graphics Tablets (and you will), grab those, too.
  • Place crap bags in company latrines so those orders can be “filled”. To this end, the company will provide free lunch today from El Feo, the filthiest burrito joint in Dallas. Do your worst, guys.
  • Neutralize all negative thinking among our members. We simply cannot tolerate any more posts like “do not want” or “Woot-Off killer”. If electronic means like word filters and IP bans do not work, we must reactivate the rapid-response teams to physically eliminate all threats to our reputation.
  • Last time, spot checks revealed that approximately 25% of products shipped are broken, incomplete, or excessively dirty. This is unacceptable. For this Woot-Off, defective shipments must make up at least 40%.
  • Remind SmartPost that there’s no need to hurry on these orders. Prompt delivery makes our customers spoiled and argumentative. Let them learn humility and gratitude while they wait.

Above all, we must strive to make this Woot-Off even more tedious, disappointing, and lucrative than the last one. The employee who achieves the most toward this end will be rewarded with one brown Zune. Second place: two brown Zunes.

Forward into battle! Remember: to give one’s life for Woot is glorious!

Larry Stalin
eCommerce eKommissar
Woot, Inc.

THIS EMAIL WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 90 SECONDS

Comments

  1. Dara says:

    I love woot offs! But I never seem the get the bag o’crap and i always seem to stay up way too late waiting!

    The mystery tshirts at shirt.woot are also sometimes really cool!

  2. Music says:

    25% defective? Where do they put it together? Lol

  3. LC says:

    Wow Todd, that pretty much had me on the floor :) So so so funny… reminds me of one about issuing rules for toilet use noolmusic.com/funny_jokes/work_jokes_-_memo_to_employees.php

    yes, I realise I am a few months late – I blame my overworked underused feed.

  4. OMG That was FUNNY! Holy crap i’ve never seen that before

  5. The mystery tshirts at shirt.woot are also sometimes really cool!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Roomba and hoping that the next item up will be the Random Crap. I know I will. Good luck Wooting! IT’S A WOOT OFF!!!, Oilman Woot-Off: May 14th, 2009.. Missed The Last Woot in November 2008? See what you missed Click Here [...]

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