Joe The Plumber Didn’t Vote

IT’S A WOOT OFF!!!

I love WOOT – they crack me up all the time. There’s a WOOT OFF happening right now and they let me know about it with a fake internal email. It made me laugh so hard I had to share:

WOOT, INC. INTERNAL EMAIL
STAFF EYES ONLY

Attention Woot employees -

We are now entering the final phase of preparations for the Woot-Off planned for midnight tonight. This is when we depart from our usual deal-a-day model and sell one product after another, offering a new deal as soon as the previous one sells out. For some reason, Woot members like oilmanseo continue to have high expectations for this event. We must make every effort to ensure that they feel disappointed and betrayed.

All workers should be physically and mentally straining to make this Woot-Off a success, like every muscle in a wolf’s body strains to capture and devour its prey. We expect total compliance with the following objectives:

  • Make sure the stables are thoroughly cleaned and the horses properly groomed and shod. As you know, Commander Rutledge prefers to lead us on horseback during Woot-Offs. Charge!
  • Customer Service department: all vacation requests for this week and next are approved. If you have not filed a vacation request, take one anyway.
  • The little green pills in the kitchen are there to keep you alert and working. Take as many as you need. Officially, Woot does not believe in the concept of “overdose”.
  • Take at least one of our servers offline, just for laughs.
  • Go to the landfill and dig up some more Sansa media players. If you see any Digipro Graphics Tablets (and you will), grab those, too.
  • Place crap bags in company latrines so those orders can be “filled”. To this end, the company will provide free lunch today from El Feo, the filthiest burrito joint in Dallas. Do your worst, guys.
  • Neutralize all negative thinking among our members. We simply cannot tolerate any more posts like “do not want” or “Woot-Off killer”. If electronic means like word filters and IP bans do not work, we must reactivate the rapid-response teams to physically eliminate all threats to our reputation.
  • Last time, spot checks revealed that approximately 25% of products shipped are broken, incomplete, or excessively dirty. This is unacceptable. For this Woot-Off, defective shipments must make up at least 40%.
  • Remind SmartPost that there’s no need to hurry on these orders. Prompt delivery makes our customers spoiled and argumentative. Let them learn humility and gratitude while they wait.

Above all, we must strive to make this Woot-Off even more tedious, disappointing, and lucrative than the last one. The employee who achieves the most toward this end will be rewarded with one brown Zune. Second place: two brown Zunes.

Forward into battle! Remember: to give one’s life for Woot is glorious!

Larry Stalin
eCommerce eKommissar
Woot, Inc.

THIS EMAIL WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 90 SECONDS

Vote Damnit! I Would If I Could.

Generally when somebody tags me in one of these blogger meme things I just ignore it but this one is worth commenting on. So watch the video then read the post then have a beer or three if you like.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhDRVKDcXQo[/youtube]

You all know by now that I’m Canadian.  I know you all know because pretty much none of you pass up the opportunity to make a joke about it. I’m cool with that. I’m secure in my Canadianism. With that security and national pride comes a propensity to vote. Voter turnout in Canada in 2006 was 47% of the population or blazing 64.7% of registered voters vs 59% in the US. Honestly, until I researched that I thought the numbers would be way lower. I thought that because, to be blunt, I simply don’t care. I should say I simply DIDN’T care. Now I do. What’s changed?

I don’t live in Canada anymore. I move to the US just in time for an amazingly interesting election and just in time to watch the economy fall apart around me. I also have kids and I worry about their future. When I lived in Canada I didn’t (free healthcare etc etc). In short, I’ve grown up and it occurred to be that part of being an adult is doing my part to make the world a better place. Yeah, I know, that’s a nice platitude and you can probably get it printed on a decorative plate to hang on the wall but there’s simply not a better way to say it.

Make the world a better place. Go vote. I think the world will be better when we use your voices to propel it in a direction. We may not agree on the direction we want to move but we can all agree that where we are right now is not a place worth staying.

I can’t vote but you can so don’t waste it. I’m gonna go hassle my wife right now to make sure she’s registered.

What are you doing still reading this? Go register…

Tagging: Jeremiah Andrick, Rhea Drysdale, Kenny Hyder, Lindsay Perkin, Monica Wright